"Wanting" Makes My Brain Hurt

My heart is still gushing from my Christmas Morning Munchkin Miracle … but my brain is, once again, perplexed.

Christmas is the only time I can afford some of the necessities like new underwear, socks, leggings, perfume, and Ziggi’s gift cards … (Ziggi’s is my favorite local coffee shop, with 3 convenient locations in Longmont to serve you … and me!!).  I say “afford” because these are a few of the things I find in my stocking on Christmas morning … every year.  This year, along with the necessities, I received a gift that has me stymied.  A pre-paid Visa for $100 with one stipulation … I am only allowed to spend it on something that I want.   (C’mon Mom and Dad!!  You know that my brain doesn’t function like that anymore!!)  Ever since my RSD forced me to retire and the government started paying my joke of a salary back in ‘05, I have had to change how I spend money and how I think about spending money.  These days I can only think in terms of “need,” and “can I justify spending money on that?”

I have posed this conundrum to a few of my friends in the hopes that one of their suggestions will spark an, “OOH, I want that!!”  I was offered suggestions such as: a cure for RSD (that’s gonna take a whole lot more than $100 and me … that needs an army of suport!!); coffee and creamer (those are necessities and are already factored into the miniscule budget);  Pepsi (again, a necessity that‘s been factored in); a sibling for Kiva (which would end up costing me more than $100 in the long run);  more snow (I’m contemplating a sever beating for the “in-law” that suggesting that one … but I still <3 you JR!!);  California (this one is actually a fantabulous suggestion!!  I leave in 31 days to see my Cali-Angel … but the folks want proof of whatever I buy and I’m not sure that a bunch of receipts for virgin daiquiris at the beach meets the specifications); a new car (for $100??  HAHA … yeah right, Red!!);  “VB” which I’m assuming has something to do with volleyball … but it’s winter, Warrior Mama, and I live in CO, not Fla!!); and of course the peanut gallery tried to chime in with randomness … and they will both get head-slaps-Gibbs-style the next time I see them.

So, after some deep and serious brain-and-soul searching, here is the list of some things that I can justify wanting …
An island close to the equator (i'm purdy shur that $100 won’t cover one of those tho); a pair of kick-ass heels ($100 might only cover the left one tho); a date for New Year’s Eve (but $100 for a date/paid-escort would only guarantee me someone with a mouth like Russell Brand, a body like George Castanza, and the personality of a dead fish … however, it would pay for a few months of an eHarmony membership ... as long as I don't advertise my crippledom); a new tv/dvd player for my bedroom ($100 would buy a great one of those … at a pawn shop);  a 1950’s tabletop jukebox for my kitchen table (I’ve already put a couple of red ones on my eBay watch-list … but it’ll still take more than $100); new flufferings for my new Bodieland (yup, more jenn-isms, but my current flufferings are still great and work very very well);  more flare clothes (but that’s a ‘need’ not a ‘want’); and completing my Shirley Temple and Cary Grant movie collections (for all of those cold, lonely nights that I spend in the Chalet … finishing my collections should get me thru until Valentine‘s Day).

It has been so long since I’ve been able to think in terms of “want.”  "Wanting" only brings heartache and disappointment to me.  I have a ton of wishes and fantasies, but I know that they’re not realistic.  I’ve come to live by the term “need” … because, honestly, I cannot afford to “want,” (financially and emotionally) … I either need it or I don’t ... period.  I have faith that I will eventually figure out what it is that I want, but not before it gives me a migraine!! Is this really what my life has come to??  Am I seriously balking at thinking about what I want??  I can't even remember the last time that someone asked me what I wanted, let alone facilitated it.  I am always grateful for whatever I receive, whether it's from my family, a friend, the PTB, or my Entities ... and I will always find uses for whatever I'm given, but I am appalled at myself for giving up, completely, on wanting anything .  I'm gonna hafta sit myself down and have a long talk with myself!!  I may even hafta ground myself over this ... we'll see how I respond to my lashing.