Teeing Up the Pity Pot

I call RSDers the Marines of the chronic pain world;  constantly adapting, improvising and overcoming their situations.  (thanks for the reference Clint Eastwood and the writers of  Heartbreak Ridge.)  My RSD has helped to teach me how to implement those Marine (movie) tactics into all of the other aspects of my life as well ... because life happens and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it!!!  However, there is something I can do about how I react to it.  Getting upset and angry doesn't help me, it only adds to my stress and pain level.  Allowing other people’s anger, fears and disappointment creep into my soul doesn't help me either (same reasons).  Keeping the faith and accommodating my own needs is what helps me.  I can ’want’ until the cows come home, but it all boils down to being content in knowing that my 'needs' are met.

Friday night was fun … WAY fun!!  I had both of my Angels, I had my Bosley, I had a few more great friends show up, I met a few new friends, and my coffee consumption and potentially subsequent lack of sleep was questioned by the waitress … twice!!   I call that a very successful evening!!

Friday night was only the beginning of the weekend that I had planned for myself.  But plans change.  Nobody is to blame for it ... not even RSD!!  Life just takes over and plans fly out the window.  It's no one's fault, it's just life; unpredictable, disappointing, tragic, spontaneous, surprising, uplifting, joyous and just plain weird!!  Sometimes life blesses us, but, at some point, life always disappoints us ... whether it's for the 1st time, the 2nd time, the 3rd time or the umpteenth time.  It is impossible to avoid being disappointed, so in order to avoid this particular feeling again, I need to AIO-morph my reactions.

 I am a 42 year old, fairly attractive woman with a debilitating nerve disease.  I am divorced and unattached, live alone, have no children, have no job or career, am poverty stricken, and I have an unreliable vehicle that isn’t even mine.  I planned for none of these things and yet I have adapted to them all.  It's my life, I have to in order to stay in it.  Regardless of my adapting to them, this is my pity-pot … my emotional crapper … the toilet of my tears.  These are the largest of my self-denigrating issues.  No matter what the catalyst is that gets me there, this ‘terlet’ is where I always end up.  There is no one to prevent it or to save me from it.  No one to cheer me on or up.  No one to offer me a hand or even any encouragement … so the responsibility falls to me ... and my faith.  What works for me is this … I will allow myself 24 hours to wallow and be sad before I kick the gosh darn thing out from under my own damn self and back into the stratosphere.  I often fantasize about being able to press the fast-forward button so that I can just skip all of the muck and get on to that peace-inspiring realization that my faith has seen me through life’s crappy shuffle once again.  (is that better, mom??)  Alas, there is no FF button in existence … that I know of, anyway.  So today, I will wallow and be sad about my life, I have given myself that permission.

Tony Robbins once said, “If you do what you’ve always done then you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”  Not that I subscribe to the rantings of the uber-positive, big teethed people of the world,  but this one makes sense to me.  My ‘needs’ are met … My bills are paid.  There is food in fridge.  My dog loves me.  My family and friends love me … most of the time.  I have a roof over my head.  I have coffee.  I have what I 'need.'  Until I find that perfect combination of what works in order to get the happiness that I ‘want,’ it will be an ever-morphing, yet honest process.  My last real AIO-morph was a year ago ... I changed what I was doing in a specific area of my life.  Most of my new ways had started to work, but some of them didn't ... so,  it would appear that my changes have failed me.  I have no physical proof to the contrary.  Still not wanting to get what I’ve always gotten, I will not go back to my old ways, nor do I think I will continue with all of the current ones.  It’s time to morph ... to adapt, improvise and overcome … again.

Someday I will get my ‘wants’ and I will be able to radiate and share the happiness that they bring.  I have faith that I will find the combination to make them happen.  Until then, I have all that I ’need’ and that's good enough for now!!