What makes you happy? I'm talking about the kind of happiness that brings joy, contentment, frustration, anxiety, panic, hilarity, relief, and excitement. If you have children or grandchildren, you probably answered my question with their names. But what if you didn't have any kids or grandkids? What would make you truly happy then? Your spouse/significant other? What if you didn't have one of those either, what would make you genuinely happy? Just think about it for a little minute ...
Thanks to my RSD and so many nerve blocks using fluoroscopic imaging and the bleeping x-ray machine, I am unable to have any children of my own, let alone grandchildren. Hence my love, adoration, obsession, and affinity for Kiva, my niece, and my nephew. But the latter 2 live 9 hours away and I only get to see them a couple of times a year. Kiva is the rock on which I build my dreams ... But she's a dog, and there is only so much that a dog can do. Human interaction is a necessity in life for all humans. Divorce and RSD separated me from my spouse. It was my decision and it was the right decision for me to make. I am practically a shut-in for 7 months out of the year, unless I go someplace warm, so where do I go to find the kind of happiness that helps me to forget about my pain, puts a genuine smile on my face, lets me be goofy and crazy, and brings joy back into my life?
I'm an RSDer, a daughter, a sister, a sister-in-law, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend, an advocate, a smart-ass, a realist, a woman, a broad, a lady ... and a Coach!! In the last 20 years, every time I have tried to quit, retire, or take a hiatus, I have been miserable, depressed, in amplified pain, and a bitch to be around. When I am able to shun the pain and discomfort and don the Vera Bradley lanyard with my coach's whistle and stopwatch on it, I am a reborn member of the human race. Even if I'm not the "Head Coach," even if most of the girls on my team have never ever even touched a volleyball before they step onto my court, even if I don't get paid to do it, I am a Coach. I belong with personalities that match my own. I belong in a place where I can make a difference, even if it's only in 1 person's life. I am a Coach and coaching makes me happy ... and it's noticeable to everyone in my life!! I am not an individual. I function best when I am a part of a team, regardless of the type of team. When I am part of a team, I feel valuable and I have motivation to be an outstanding member of that team. Whether it's with my family team, my team of friends, being in a relationship, working on a team to raise awareness for RSD, working within a team of coaches, or leading a team on the court, it's the "team" that keeps me going.
Yesterday at practice 2 of my girls got their underhand serves over the net. Just one time each, but the shock and elation of both of those serves brought me to my knees with joy. The mom that "bullied and accosted" me last week about the amount of running that I made the girls do instead of giving them skill training came up to me after practice and informed me that she had been working with her daughter ... and making her run when she would make a dumb mistake. She told me that she had watched the whole practice this time and that the method to my madness was made evident to her. She apologized and that mom got a high five from this coach. Another mom takes her camera to every game, even if her daughter isn't playing that day. She emails us coaches the pictures almost right away. We have about 28 girls for 3 teams, and the stands have been full of black and yellow clad fans ... and that was just for our 2 away games that we've had so far. The girls are starting to see what it means to be a member of a team. I ... am ... happy!!
I have faith that I will forever remain "Coach." Pain be damned, it's just who I am. RSD, you may have taken the girl out of the court, but you will never take the court out of the girl. Nice try, you bat rastard, nice try!!
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