Oh Ye of Little Faith

Last week I was, for lack of a better term, verbally assaulted via Facebook messaging.  I was accused of not having RSD because of the fact that, lately, I have managed to stay pretty active.  I was called an "f'ing liar," and "a hypocrite."  Did I mention that this was from a fellow RSDer??  Yup!!  It was!!  And how did I react??  HAHA ... oh boy!!!  <sigh>  I prayed for her.  Simple as that.  And then I deleted her.  Funny thing, she found me through my blog, sent me a friend request about a month ago, I accepted, she asked me for advice, I gave it willingly, and she tried to throw it back in my face.  I gotta tell ya, after 21 years of dealing with the nay-sayers, the doubting Thomases, and the poo flingers, I've gotten pretty good at deflecting their crap.  Yes, I get a little upset at first but then Rational Brain takes over and puts things into perspective for the rest of my personalities.  And the first thing that Rational Brain said to the Roundtable was, "This girl was only diagnosed 18 months ago."  18 months into my RSD, I probably wouldn't have believed me either, but I would definitely have glommed on to any advice from veteran sufferers, if there were any veterans for me to glom on to 19-20 years ago.  So I had to make my own path.  

Yes, I try to dwell on the things that I can do and suck every bit of enjoyment out of them along the way ... because those are the brief and few and far between moments that get me through the conjoined bad days and pain spikes. But ... I had to learn how to do it, and it most certainly did not happen over night.  Trial and Error and Time have been my greatest teachers.  They are the ones that taught me how to be prepared, mentally and physically.  They have also taught me how to manage, maintain, and recover.  It takes me a week to prepare for a weekend and then it takes another week to fully recover.  Let's drift back to the Spoon Theory, shall we??  (http://butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf)  I hoard my spoons, even if I have to beg, borrow, and steal them from weeks in advance.  I deplete my supply, every last one of them, for a day or 2, and then I crack jokes about myself from the confines of my sofa-surfboard while shedding tears, grimacing, and creating a new spoon mold and making metal out of mettle so that I can do it all over again in the future.

The thing is ... no one really sees me in my recovery process because I isolate.  Another thing that Trial and Error and Time have taught me.  Seeing the pathetic pity look on people's faces while I'm trying to fight to stay positive doesn't work for me.  If I'm in recovery mode, I look pretty damn pathetic all on my own.  Case in point, last week.  After my reunion and Cruise Night (Friday and Saturday), I couldn't shower until Thursday.  I didn't trust myself to step safely over the side of the tub.  I lived on tv dinners, cereal, frozen burritos and shakes because I couldn't stand up long enough to cook ... or clean up the kitchen.  I had both sides of my sink full of coffee cups, plates, bowls, and silverware because I couldn't even stand up long enough to load the dishwasher.  My kitchen trash was overflowing because my legs couldn't carry me back to the alley to put it in the bin.  I was lucky enough to be able to brush my teeth, make my bed, change my sweats, and get the dirty clothes in my hamper though.  I had moments of malcontent, but I fought to stay positive ... and it worked!!  Because this last weekend I was able to go with my ColoAngel and The GingerFam to watch the 1st Broncos scrimmage of the year ... and our boys look GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!  And now I must recover ... again.  I will tell you now that there was a lot of walking involved (and stairs) and I am definitely in some nasty pain today.  But it was worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat!!

I have faith that the newbie RSDers will come around, in time, and want to take advantage of their good days too.  I have faith that if they seek me out for advice on how to do that, I will give it, gladly.  I have faith that I may not be able to shower until tomorrow, at the earliest, but I have the warmth of great memories to keep my stinky self company during my isolation ... and Facebook too!!  And now I will get back to sofa-surfing and forging more spoons for my next round of activities ... whatever they may be!!