Just One More Burp

You know that kind of heartburn that you get that's not exactly in your stomach but hasn't quite made it up to your chest either?  The kind that causes your neck and shoulders to stiffen up and the only ounce of relief that you get is when you burp?  Yup, that's me today!!  I've tried milk, lukewarm water, Pepto, and Tums.  But if I could just get that one good, loud, juicy burp from the diaphragm, I know I'd feel better instantly.  I've had a few baby burps that have helped a little, but if I could just get that one.....

Now don't start spewing the names of the medications that help you through your bouts with this, because it was about like pulling teeth to get me to take the Pepto, as well as the Tums.  I ... don't ... do ... pills ... anymore!!! I even try to avoid Tylenol and Advil like the plague.  Only as a last case scenario will you ever catch me poppin' a damn pill.  14 years of pills and booze have left me with a mild case of cirrhosis of the liver ... and that dang liver never lets me forget what I did to it.  Talk about holding a grudge, sheesh!!  You'd think that I'd have enough on my plate with the pain and recovery process, but nooooooooo!!!!  Usually, the milk is the cure when I get these "attacks" but the acid from my belly is making everything taste sour.  I had to have Houdini come over this morning to smell my jug of milk just to make sure that it was me and not spoiled cow juice.  Yeah, um .... it's me!!

Dear Body,
     I am truly sorry for all of the vile things that I did to you before I wised up, got sober, and started paying attention to you.  The doctors are really trying their best with us and we need to keep fighting the pain, so you need to force this heartburn crap out into the light of day.  Please body, just one more raunchy burp and I promise to shut up about it.
Very Truly Yours,
the Crazy Cripple

Meanwhile I'll keep the faith that it will get better.  My tummy knows (cuz it can smell) that the chicken in the crockpot is done and awaiting to be made into soup and enchiladas.  I have faith that just one more burp will cure me of the pressure in my chest so that I can finally take that first puff of k-spray and start working on the RSD pain.  Kickoff is in 32 hours and I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss it!!  Straighten up and fly right, bod!!  C'mon now, work with me please!!