The Price of Life

I hate money.  It freaking sucks!!  Don't get me wrong, I would love to have more, but the choke-hold that it has on my life is getting a bit out of control ... and old ... and a lot of people don't/won't/can't understand what I have to go through because of it.  Being on a severely limited, obscenely fixed income doesn't allow for any type of savings account, vacation fund, emergency expenses, nuthin'!!  My bills are barely getting paid (with a little help from my folks) and my refrigerator light only illuminates the baron, plexi-glass shelves.  I can't afford gas to go anywhere, and I can't afford ticket prices of any kind (plane, concert, ball game, event, you name it).  The brakes on the Buttmobile are beginning to grind a bit, and I can't afford to get them fixed or replaced.  Being a "volunteer" volleyball coach who travels approximately 50 miles (round trip) per day, on her own dime, doesn't help the empty wallet situation either.  Lack of money for the even the basic necessities causes stress ... which causes more RSD pain ... which adds to the stress ... which adds to the pain ... aaaaaand here comes fall and winter, birthdays and holidays, and cold and flu season.  FU RSD, for all that you have taken from me and for all of the priorities that you have forced me to reevaluate.

Pay for a plane ticket, or pay rent?  Pay for a full tank of gas, or put in $10 worth so that I can drive to the pharmacy and pay for my meds?  Pay for a ticket to a pro ball game or event + gas, or pay for groceries?  Spend spoons on one night out, or save spoons for volleyball practice and the 8 girls who depend on me (and the 21 other players and coaches who count on me)?  Pay for a birthday or thank you card, or pay for the extra water that I use everyday on the fruits and vegetables in my gardens?      

But you know what?  I'm still grateful.  I have a family that helps me out whenever they can.  I have dear friends that are always good for a giggle, a smile, or a leg up.  I have a dog that loves me, even on my worst days.  I have a roof over my head.  Thanks to the Bombshell, I have hand-me-down socks on my feet and hand-me-down tank tops on under my 13 year old robe.  Thanks to Houdini, my soul is filled with volleyball and a sense of being needed and appreciated for me, not just what I can do for them.

And there are things that I can afford!!  I can afford to be a friend.  I can afford to run my mouth raising awareness for RSD.  I can afford to love.  I can afford to crack jokes at my own expense (pun intended).  I can afford to stand up for myself and my beliefs.  I can afford coffee.  I can afford time.  I can afford hugs, even when they hurt.  I can afford to cheer someone on.  I can afford to share my experiences with those who ask.

I have faith that, although I am not wealthy in the monetary vernacular, I am a gazillionaire when it comes to being blessed.  I have my ultra amazing family.  I have Kiva, my ColoAngel, the Sweet Ones, the GingerFam, the Warrior Mama and the Penguin, my volleyball team, my porno dealer (hats), an adventurous friend through whom I can afford to live vicariously, my faith, a sense of humor, intelligence, and I even have a sense of peace.  Pain be damned, I'll pay the price for this life that I've been forced to create for myself, because life, in any sense of the word, is worth it.