First and foremost, I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone that participated in the FUR'RSDday celebration on Friday!! My Facebook wall was flooded with orange!! Dogs, cats, kids, guinea pigs, and friends on vacation that were away from their pets sent me pics of themselves wearing orange. It was magical, I must say. There were 3 people in particular whose participation didn't surprise me, but their words warmed the cockles of my heart. 3 young women, married, working, and starting families that let me know that I've done something right with my life. I was their 1st volleyball coach in high school ... they were part of the Freshman class in 1997. To know that, as teens, these young girls had no clue what I going through back then, and then to fast forward 15 years and have them realize just what I put myself through for them is abso-freaking-lutely priceless!! I love you Bomb, Peeples, and KR!! You will always be "my girls"!!!
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Now ... I don't know about you guys, but when something sad happens in my life, I have to give myself permission to go through the 5 stages of loss/grief so that I can get back to living my own life. When it doesn't involve death, it usually only takes me a few days to allow myself the time to process 1) Denial/Isolation, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, 5) Acceptance. But ... when I get a triple whammy within the span of one week, I can honestly say that it's gonna take me a little longer. Now here's the kicker ... because of my RSD, my emotions are directly tied to my pain levels and I have now been riding a 5 (up from my post-block 2) for eight days (Saturday was a 6 ... ugh). I was prepared to handle Whammy #2, taking the Munchkins back to their Mommie and Daddy on Thursday. That one was expected. I always go through the grief stages when they leave ... I'm used to that. The other two blindsided me ... from way out in left field ... with a mallet ... to the backside of my head ... and heart.
Whammy #1 ... break ups are always hard and this one was no different. There is no blame to place, everything is amicable, it's just sad!! It's a loss. There's no "right time" for the talk, but when it needs to happen, there's nothing else to do except handle it like an adult, pull up my big girl panties, and process the 5 stages. I have reached Acceptance here and I know that we will be good friends from now on.
Whammy #2 ... was inevitable. Unless the Bombshell, the B-I-L, and the Munchkins move to Colorado, it is a loss that I will continue to deal with numerous times a year. Two and a half years of practice doesn't make it any easier, but I've learned how to process that one fairly quickly.
Whammy #3 ... at this point in my tumultuous week, I desperately needed something to look forward to ... human interaction with my local peeps who mean the most to me. On Tuesday, right after Whammy #1, and as I was preparing for Whammy #2, I made this need known to the people that I knew could help me celebrate my 21st anniversary with RSD, as well as help me to find some happiness in my icky week. I was told that it was handled and to go ahead and look forward to Friday night. As Mom and I were traveling I-70 on Thursday afternoon, I was informed that everyone had "other plans" for Friday night but not to give up hope because we may still be able to figure something out. So I didn't give up hope ... not until 3 p.m. on Friday when I hadn't heard differently ... actually, I never heard anything after that convo on Thursday. <cue the dormant abandonment issues> ... So I called Houdini at 4. He said that he was on his way back from Denver and was 40 minutes out, but he'd be over. At 6 p.m. I was so beside myself with grief and hurt feelings that my pain flared. I broke out the K-spray, heating pad, and other meds to help try to keep the flare as low as possible. At 8, as I was headed to bed out of sheer depression, Houdini called. He'd had a better offer too.
I am almost back on track. I planted $100 worth of flowers and veggies over the weekend. My maternal Grandmother taught me that when you're frustrated, depressed, or anxious, go dig in the dirt. Despite the added pain, I successfully managed 2 gardens and a clean and weed-less patio. I still have about 8 flower pots to plant and arrange and my Mom brought over some lavender for me to plant by the gate ... for luck. After last week, I could sure use that "luck" so those will get affixed into the dirt sometime today.
I have faith that I will break free from stages #4 and #5 for Whammy #3 today!! I have already forgiven the ones that I feel hurt me. I also have faith that, as I regroup my life (again), I will figure out just what it is that I want for said life. I will improvise, adapt, and overcome. I am a warrior ... and a sassy one at that!! It's who I am and it's what I do. Just because I've been let down, that does not give me permission to behave that way towards others. "An eye for an eye" is not a motto that I choose to add to my repertoire. I LOVE my friends. I understand that the world does not revolve around my happy ass. I understand that life gets crazy and things happen. I have faith that, regardless of my abandonment issues (that stem back to when I was 6), I will find a way to accept what has happened and keep truckin along. Life is too sweet and too short to stay wrapped up in depression. Time to get my pain level back down and live!!
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