I absolutely hate it when the depression wins!! It makes me a sore loser ... pun intended! I knew that something was up yesterday morning when I actually got to sleep in ... until 6:30. For all intents and purposes, it's summer. Windows open at night, ceiling fans and window fans cooling the air in the hopes of saving a few bucks by not running my little window a/c unit. There has been a wildfire burning about 40 miles from my house (as the crow flies) and our entire town was engulfed in a smokey haze yesterday morning. Everything smelled like a campfire, the mountains were completely hidden behind a shroud of smoke, and I'm pretty sure that the air quality was teetering on the brink of "Horrid." Add in RSD and a bout of spontaneous depression and my whole world got turned on it's ear.
I spent years on antidepressants. I've run the gamut with Zoloft, Amitriptyline, Paxil, Prozac, and Cymbalta, just to name a few. When I finally accepted the pain and the RSD as my way of life, I was able to turn my back on the pills and their side effects. (...here come the analogies...) I keep a pretty firm grasp on my ups and downs, but every now and then the pain becomes the ocean, my body becomes the levy and my depression becomes the hurricane that sends it all crashing down. I can't stop it from happening any more than a human can stop an actual hurricane, but I can add emotional sand bags to stave it off for a while ... usually.
When my depression turns abbynormal (Category 3+) , I have tactical maneuvers that usually snap me out of it enough to still be able to function. I force myself to get out of bed. Even if I only make it to the couch, I am out of bed! I look at that as an accomplishment, because, hey, I really didn't have to, did I? I try to get out of the house, even if it's for 5 minutes. Sometimes just a change of scenery can alter my outlook enough to battle the depression. And I try to do 1 fun thing in order to get myself to smile a smile that's not a forced smile, but natural smile. So yesterday, after I got up I went outside and got all of my plants watered ... 2 accomplishments right there!! My dad called at 8. He was off to a slow start too and wanted to meet for coffee ... so I waited for Houdini to come get me and we headed to the Wonderful World of Ziggi's. That was my outing and my attempt at "1 fun thing". But as soon as I got home the blah's took over and ruled my world once again and when I reached into my emergency spoon supply to "maybe" get a couple other things accomplished, I was like Mother Hubbard with a bare cupboard. I had no back up spoon, no extra little umph, nothing!
Most Normies would say, "Just suck it up. It'll be better tomorrow." But that is just not the case when you're battling a chronic pain condition like RSD as well as spontaneous depression. It's "tomorrow" and my body feels like it's been hit by a Mac Truck. My mood seems to be a lot better this morning, but my body is cashing the check that my emotions wrote and there are insufficient funds. You know how I keep telling you that happiness is the most effective pain killer? Well ... when the cookie jar is empty (aka - depleted happiness levels), there is nothing natural to fight the pain ... enter pharmaceuticals, stage left. I do have 1 thing in my favor when combating the quicksand depression. Ketamine. Not only is K used as a pain med for RSDers, but they are also doing studies that suggest that K also aids in the fight against depression. What they don't take into consideration is that I hate Ketamine! Yes, it helps my body better than anything else I've tried, but the wah-wah's absofreakinglutely suck! That's why I only use it at night. That way I can fall asleep before they set in. Having to use it during the day is just not an option for me. I refuse to drive, operate any kind of machinery (including Bertha), make critical decisions, or pay attention when I'm on the crap. I let it do it's job without interference.
I have no idea where I'm going with all of this other than to tell you that depression physically hurts. I guess I can count myself as "fortunate" because it didn't start a flare this time, but it did increase my pain level beyond what I was prepared to handle. I submerged myself into games. iPhone games, Facebook games, GameHouse games, whatever I could find that would keep me focused on something other than the depression and the pain. And it must have worked because today my mood is elevated again!! Now if my body would only follow suit. Normies can shake off a bad day of depression and proceed to move forward. RSDers need 1-3 days to physically recover from a bad day ... depending on the severity of the day.
I have faith that, once again, I am back on the upswing! I have faith that it will take me a day or 2 to fully recover from nothing more than doldrums. It's just one more thing to which I've become accustom in my decades-long fight against the beast. It's survivable and I'm a survivor!! Period!!
No comments:
Post a Comment