Finally!! I am back to feeling quasi-human again!! Even after a rough night and even with a storm front moving in, my mood is back to where it should be ... happy!! Is it because I have something to look forward to tonight? Maybe. Is it because my body is passed the sluggish flu-like symptoms that always follow a bout of depression? Possibly. Is it because Kiva turns uber-cuddly when I'm down? Almost certainly. Is it because I allowed myself to be depressed for a day or 2 and then pulled myself up by my proverbial bootstraps, allowed myself some time to heal, and fought back? Absofreakinlutely!!
It is so difficult to explain to the Normies that I really am "ok" even when I'm depressed. I'm not suicidal at all, I'm not a risk to myself or others, I'm just in a funk ... or I was in a funk ... because now I'm not. Normies, no matter how well they are acclimated to all of the ups and downs of RSD, always want to push and fight for us to get us thru the doldrums faster than we are prepared to get thru them ourselves. I know my body better than any other human on the planet. I know what it takes for me to get over each individual hurdle that arises in my life. Granted, I am always open to suggestions for new "tricks" but time is key for my healing proclivities.
Enter the orange boa. This slinky, feathery feature made it's debut at the Debacle of 2011 but became a clothing staple none-the-less. Orange is the awareness ribbon color for RSD. And I have made orange my own personal fashion statement. In all of my efforts to raise awareness for RSD, nothing has spawned as much curiosity from the masses as the orange boa. I mean really, how hard is it to not notice the tall, skinny broad wearing a freakin' orange boa?!?! ;) I don't do this to gain attention for myself, I do it to gain attention for RSD. RSD is something that I have to pay attention to 24/7, it never lets me forget, even for a second. Until those initials ring between the ears of everyone with whom I come in contact, I will continue to wear it.
Some days I wish I wasn't such a good actress. Some days I'm grateful for my many masks. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't apprehensive about tonight. Large crowds, loud rock music, drunk people in wobbly clodhopper shoes, overly intoxicated men that feel the need to profess their love for the female species through molesting hugs, waitresses and bartenders running their asses off for booze but can't keep a cup of coffee full and hot for the designated driver of their returning customers ... in a nutshell, anxiety! But what's worse, facing my physical fears and pains or staying home and wishing for a better life? Granted, I will surely have to pay for it all tomorrow, but one night out of my 4 walls and with my friends is totally worth it.
I have faith that I will bring the letters R-S-D into the life of some poor unsuspecting soul by wearing my orange boa tonight. I have faith that, even though my anxiety level is sky high (and not in a good way) I will suck it up and go have fun with most of my favorite people. I have faith that I will dance to at least 1 song, shake the hand of at least 1 Bronco alum, and have 1 hell of a night!! Pain be damned, I love myself too much to let a repeat of this last week happen. My bootstraps are up. Let's get this par-tay star-ted!!
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