Should-ing On Myself

The Skank is at it again and this time she has help!!  Snow, wind, 45 degree temperature drop, waning stress, worry, bronchitis induced asthma (aka - “normal winter Jenn-cold”), and a full right leg/foot flare have me sidelined today.  (dammit)  My bones feel like the bells of Notre Dame again, my throat, neck, and shoulders hurt from coughing, I can’t even think about putting my flaming heel on the floor, and I won’t let myself go back to bed!!  Am I a glutton for punishment??  Probably … but my mind is in full on go-mode and I am “should-ing” all over myself!!  This is not what I would call ‘bedrest-mentality.’  I “should” be babysitting the Munchkins today, I “should” be trying to get in the shower, I “should” get a couple more chapters written (or at least outlined), I “should” have better control of my pain, I “should” go visit my Dad and see how he’s doing for myself, I “should” be working on the CSD2 slide show … and the “should-ing” goes on and on.

If I let it, should-ing on myself could push me over the edge and into the deep end.  But I’m better than that.  The last few days have reminded me that I have to keep my body at the top of my list.  I know that I did the right thing by being pro-active with this no-such-thing-as-just-a-cold, because I could feel so much worse than I do.  I know that “freak accidents” happen and I can’t control the outcome, I can only listen to my body and make the correct alterations in my meds and techniques to combat it.  I know that my Dad is on the mend and doing well, and that is a huge comfort to me.  I know that I have my Kiva back and she’s being a total cuddle-buddy today.  She knows when Mommie’s not doing too great, so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.  I know that the Dok-Tor is on Munchkin duty and they will be fine, but I want to kiss their faces and get hugs for Aun Jenn!!  (we’re still working on the “t” sound at the end of “aunt”)

So, what does all of this mean??  I don’t friggin know!!  But I won’t let RSD win!!  I can’t!!  I can sit here with my dog resting her head on my lap as I outline a chapter or two, I can keep my foot off of the floor as I watch How the States Got Their Shapes on History2 to get my wasted gray matter refill for the day.  I can work on the slideshow from my sofa surfing position.  I can stop should-ing on myself, if I let myself … hmmm … giving myself permission will be the hardest thing I have to do today!!

(Mom, close your eyes for a sec, please)  RSD = Really Shitty Disease  (ok Mom, you can look again)  I refuse to give in to it!!  It does not own me!!  I fight like a girl, I have a bag of tricks from which I can work, I have my laptop, I have my girl, I have my meds, I have my coffee and my Almond Joy creamer, I have Pepsi for when I need cold caffeine, and I have Dominos on speed dial.  No more should-ing today.  It’s a nasty habit and it stinks!!

I have faith that I will get better.  I have faith that my bag of tricks will not fail me.  I have faith that my family will be fine without me today.  I have faith that there is no better band-aid for my ailments than my Team … he holds me together until I can do it on my own.  My bills are paid and I am safe.  Everything else can be dealt with, one thing at a time … BATTER UP!!!