Decisions, Decisions

Ugh … I think I hate making decisions for a while ... again.  Life is full of choices, but when you’re an RSDer, your options change because your needs have changed.  For instance, I’m tired and I hurt, so I need to lie down.  There is no choice there.  It’s a necessity right now.  When Normies need to lie down, it’s to sleep.  If I take a nap during the day, my already messed up night schedule gets even more messed up.  1 hour of day sleep, regardless of time of day, will cost me 2 or more hours of night sleep.  Considering that I only average 4 hours of non-consecutive sleep at night, napping is not a choice for me either.  The choice I get to make is what to do with my mind while I lie here at the Oasis, nearly motionless and needing to stay awake.  I have my spiral notebook and a pen, my book “Clockwork Angel,” my iPhone, and the tv remote, all within a crippled arm’s reach.  These are my choices.  (My coffee, my heating pad, my meds, and my girl are not choices, those are extensions of my being.)

Oh goody!!  Now you get to see how I have to weigh even the most basic of decisions!!  

Option 1: notebook and pen … 1st of all, how is my right hand feeling today?  Do I think it can hold on to a padded pen or pencil?  Since I’m lying down, I would need to use the clipboard to brace the notebook.  Do my thighs feel like they could handle the pressure of the clipboard and the scratching vibrations of my padded pen on the paper?  Answer: My right hand is achy and a little swollen from last night’s bout with a localized hive-session, so holding a padded pen would be added pain that I don’t need.  The skin on my thighs still kinda have a residual burn feeling from my last leg flare.  It’s not too bad at the moment, but it is sensitive enough to be annoying and the pressure of a clipboard resting on my thighs might reignite that flare.  So I guess I won’t be writing in my notebook.

Option 2: a hardcover copy of the book Clockwork Angel - 479 pages …  Is there enough strength in both of my hands to hold the weight of this book, or will I need to rest it on my legs?  Are my fingers feeling nimble enough to turn the pages?  Will my eyes be able to focus on the small print?  Will I be able to stay awake?  Answer: Again, my right hand is still swollen and achy so there’s no strength and no nimbleness either.  My sight, for the most part, is good, but I mentioned earlier that I’m tired.  When I’m tired and/or in extra pain, the Horner’s Syndrome that I have on the right half of my face takes over and my right eye droops, gets lazy, and can’t focus.  This might cause me to rest my eyes and I could possibly fall asleep.  So I guess I won’t be reading.

Option 3: iPhone … Can my thumbs maneuver around fast enough to play Angry Birds, Where’s My Water, Family Feud, solitaire, backgammon, Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit, Words With Friends, Tetris or bingo?  If I listen to my iTunes Pain Day play list (safe from heavy bass and drum sounds), will it make me cry out of loss again or will I fall asleep?  Answer: The thumbs that are attached to my still swollen hands are just as puffy and restricted from movement as everything else in their vicinities.  Also, I don’t feel as emotionally stable as I need to be right now, so listening to my carefully selected music might tip the scale away from my needed stability and level headedness.   So I guess I won’t be playing with my iPhone.

Option 4: tv remote with access to DirectTV … if I can just get my hands to work long enough to find a mentally stimulating documentary, tv show, or movie, I can put the remote down and sail into my imagination and quench my thirst for knowledge.  Let me just tell you now that there are too many absolutely pointless talk shows and infomercials and interviews out there today.  I need to be informed, not freaked out and disgusted and embarrassed for the idiots that don’t know how to shut up on live tv.  That is not relaxing for me.  AARRGGHH … now I am exhausted from all of that conscious cognitive bullcrap ... and a little re-stressed over my inabilities too.

So Normies, what do you have to be conscious of in order to “lie down”??  How many options do you have for this less-than-medial task??  Did you know that this is what we RSDers have to go through for each and every daily task??  And do you see how the Spoon Theory comes into play for us??  Remember, the next time you ask us to do something with you and we say “no,” it is probably not be because we don’t want to … it is, more than likely, because we are trying to decide where to use our limited energy and ability, and we would rather bathe to wash off the stinky remnants of our night sweats, than be in public all stinky and gross AND in pain.  We are picking our battles/spoons … It’s not personal, it’s just how we have to live.

I have faith that one big ol smile from my Team will distract me from my decision making and my boredom … and I have faith that one kiss will break up the concentration/pain creases on my forehead.  Just knowing that this brief time of pain induced, solo-soldiering, slothishness has a specified timeframe is such a wonderful change from feeling abandoned and exiled from my own life for an unknown period of time.  I am truly blessed (and lucky as hell) to have found my Team … or, better yet (and more accurately), that he found me!!