The Corporeality of Trust

In general, I do not trust people easily anymore, men or women.  I used to have blind faith where humans were concerned, always wanting to see the best in them, but I have allowed myself to be in the position to be let down too many times.  This is also the reason that I have such a hard time asking for help.  I don't ask for help often and it takes a lot for me to swallow my pride and admit that I need it.  My family members (and Bosley too) are pretty solid with the physical stuff when I ask, but my most common help request of my friends has to be "distract me."  Even though I'm not in the mood to be around people on bad pain days, I still need help getting my mind off of the pain.  I can honestly say that I have 1 friend in my life that I can trust to go out of their way help me, mentally and emotionally.  I have friends that mean well, and friends that can help when it's convenient, and friends that think a distraction is an invitation to dump their shit on my doorstep (sorry Mom, but you know it's true) ... and this is where my lack of trust comes into play.  This one friend always offers me a respite from the annoying pain.  She tells me (via texts and Voxer) about what's going on with her, what movie she just saw, what book she just read, what guy she just went on a date with, what work projects she's tweaking, what words failed on Family Feud Fast Money Rounds, etc.  She asks me about what's going on in my world, but never asks me to dwell on the pain.  She asks about the other stuff!!  She understands that the pain is always there 24/7, but she knows that sometimes I just need to redirect my focus for a while until I can get better control of it.  (God bless that CaliAngel of mine!!)

Marilyn Monroe is often quoted as saying, "... if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ... and I feel the exact same way!!  But there is more to that quote.  The full quote is, "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."  Here is how the artist formerly known as Norma Rae and I compare:  I am selfish when it comes to protecting myself; I am a little impatient ... but I try to stifle it as much as possible or make a joke out of it; I am definitely a little insecure ... ima girl, hello!!; I learn from the mistakes I've made; I'm not out of control (anymore); and on bad pain days, I think that I'm definitely hard to handle.  And if people can't or won't help with those bad days, why should I keep the Fair Weather Flockers around to enjoy the good days with me??  They sure as hell didn't help me get to those good days, so they shouldn't get to be a part of them.  Right??  Right!!

I may be tough, sassy, classy, sarcastic, often over-opinionated, loud, with a twisted brain, but I am still a girl ... with a few girl-ish insecurities, a couple abandonment issues ... and RSD.  I am not about to keep anyone around, or let anyone else into my world who has the potential to make any of those any worse than they already are.  Just because I give people a chance (or a 2nd chance, or a 3rd), absolutely does not mean that I trust them, it just means that I want to be able to trust them.  It also means that I want to give them every opportunity to earn my trust.  But there are times when I run out of chances to give (and painkillers to take) and the healthiest thing for me to do is to remove myself from the situation.  Stress breeds pain in my world ... and pain breeds more pain ... and after 20+ years of dealing with it, I have found that I need people in my inner circle who are equipped to help protect me from more pain, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Friends will come and go and friends will try to help, and hopefully some will succeed, but until my trust has been earned, I'll keep my barriers up, my outer circle wide,  and I'll keep quoting Marilyn ... " “I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.”  (or in my case, trust too)

Today my faith lies in the realization of what is and what is not.  My corporeality is my reality and my reality requires proof of sincerity, not sympathy.  Stand up for yourselves, RSDers!!  Stand up for the ones that know you and the ones that you trust.  Protect yourselves, and don't trust blindly.  Make people earn it!!  The ones that are worth it, will do it without hesitation!!  Those are the ones that deserve our best!!