A Pet's Peeve

Hi ho!!  Kiva the Dog here, reporting live from the Chalet.  My Mommie finally took me for a walk this morning!!  I was so excited that I peed on the sidewalk!!  To be honest, I have already forgotten all of my leash training from last summer ... and the summer before that ... and the summer before that ... and the....well, you get the picture.  In my defense, it's not my fault!!  My Mommie is not confident that her body will hold up every day, especially in the winter, and there's no one for us to walk with regularly to give Mommie that assurance that if something does happen to her, there is someone there to help ... besides me, that is!!  So once she's got her Spring Treatments in her and she's rebuilt some stamina, we start walking again.

We usually start out on short 2-3 block walks and then we gradually increase a block every day, but we were on a roll with our leash re-training and Mommie had enough spoons in her arsenal to donate two more to me, so we extended today's walk to about 6 blocks.  I'd pull, Mommie would give a quick tug on my leash, I'd hack, I'd wheeze, we'd go on.  I'd pull again, Mommie would tug the leash again, I'd hack and wheeze again, and Mommie would instruct me to, "Sit."  I'd catch my breath, Mommie would say, "Let's go," I'd pull again, Mommie would make me stop again ... over and over and over ... for 4 blocks!!  Finally I remembered that it was my pulling that was making me wheeze and hack so I gave Mommie some slack on my leash and the last 2 blocks were easy peezy!!!  Until we got to juuuust in front of the Good Neighbor's house ... and there she was.

Mommie has been parking the Brown Bomber on the street lately because our single car garage is filled with assorted groups of buckets of gardening tools, pallets, potting soil, some stuff called Sheep-N-Peat that just smells like poop, a roll of some kind of black fabric, a wheelbarrow, and rakes and shovels and stuff.  As we walked passed the Good Neighbor's house, Mommie glanced up and through her car windows she could see the form of Psycho-Crazy Lady from up the street, my neighborhood arch nemesis (2nd only to the mailman).  I felt Mommie's demeanor change as she shortened my leash and drew me back to her right side. Smart Mommie started to cut through the Good Neighbor's yard so that I would see my house and pull her to the door, but Psycho-Crazy Lady popped out from in front the Brown Bomber and in the high pitched voice of a 4 year old that can't pronounce her L's and R's squealed, "Wew hewwo thewe!!"  Now Mommie has talked to this woman before and that is not her normal tone!!  Knowing just how much Mommie hates baby talk, my peaceful Beagle-ness skedaddled and I went full blown German Shepherd Nazi on her ass!!  "Oh what's wong wiff da wittle puppy?  You'we a good dwoggie, come here good dwoggie," she chirped as she patted her thigh with the hand that wasn't holding the cane.  I could contain myself no longer and I lunged, barking rabidly (I'm pretty sure I could be heard for a 2 mile radius.).  Mommie jerked my leash and reeled me back in but I wouldn't stop growling and snarling and barking at this woman whose mere presence causes my Mommie extra pain. (Yep, she's one of those types of human.) "Come hewe sweet dwoggie, I just want to pwet you." <Mommie's note: Are you friggin kidding me lady??  Knock it the hell off already, you've known for years that she hates you!!>  Mommie cut across our yard, pulling me backwards towards the door.  She fumbled her to-go cup of coffee while trying to pick our house key off of her shiny silver key chain, and cussed.  I was still trying to charge the Psycho-Crazy Broad who was still talking to me in baby talk from next to Brown Bomber, still 2 octaves above middle C.  Mommie stopped messing with her keys, turned around and smiled at her.  Smiled!!  You could have knocked me over with a feather!!  Aaaaand then she opened her mouth and spoke. "We're in a mood today.  It's probably best to not antagonize either of us."  Mommie found our house key and turned to open the lock when she heard Psycho-Crazy Broad say, in her normal tenor-ish, exasperated voice, "Well fine!!  I just wanted to say 'hi' to your dog."  Mommie turned the knob on our door and shooed me inside, turned back around and said to the woman, "Unlike you, I tend to avoid animals that act like they want to rip my head off, not egg them on.  You are really lucky that I'm a firm believer in leashes, because I'm not fast enough to stop her.  Please, don't ever do that again," and Mommie came inside where I greeted her with a hug and a kiss and a motorboat propeller of a tail wag!!  I was proud of her for saying "please."

Psycho-Crazy Broad waddled away mumbling under her breath and Mommie bee-lined for the bathroom and her 4% k-spray before she headed over to Flo for a refill.  I guess all of the tugging and pulling and lunging caused her some extra pain ... dumb psycho lady made me hurt my Mommie's RSD!!!  Don't think for one "wittle" second that I'll forget this!!!  But Mommie bounced back in time to go plant shopping with her Mommie!! Like she's said time and again, "It's all in the distraction!"

I have faith that I will protect my Mommie from that evil presence up the street.  I have faith that Mommie will continue to take me for walks and I have faith that I will save up my poop for Psycho-Crazy Broad's front yard for the rest of the week ... at least!!  Don't mess with my Mommie, don't mess with her nerves, and please, for the love of everything Holy, don't use baby talk in front of us!!  I don't enjoy causing my Mommie extra pain, but I will if I think I'm protecting her.  Nobody messes with my Mommie, nobody!!!! ... except me, of course!!  AAARRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ratting Out Mommie

Hi Ho!!  Kiva The Dog here!!  Did you know that my Mommie is nuts??  If you didn't know that, now you do.  If you had suspicions about it, I am here to confirm them.  If you already knew this little tidbit of info, let me just tell you now that, "It's gotten worse!!"  For 3 days and 2 nights Mommie didn't sleep.  She rested a little here and there, but there was zero sleep involved.  And what's crazier than that is I honestly can't remember if she ate during all of those awake hours.  Oh wait!!! ... she made a four egg omelette yesterday afternoon ... after she finally finished the project that she bled, sweat, cried, and spent spoons on for those 3 days.  She ate 3 eggs of it and shared the rest with me ... and then she turned off her phone and slept!!  For 11 hours she got her normally interrupted nights' sleep!!

What has Mommie so motivated??  Duh ... Crazy Sock Day 3!!  It's exactly 2 weeks away!!  Last year Mommie compiled most of the pictures that were posted on Facebook so that she could make a slideshow for the Smiling Warrior and so she'd have something to send out to the schools and media for this year to promote the day and the awareness that needs to be raised.  It took her 50 weeks to get that slideshow finalized and published, but she did it!!  And the Warrior Mama said that it put a smile on the girl's face!!  Considering that she was in the hospital getting an NG tube put in (again), Mommie took that as the greatest compliment ever!!  (The rumor is that the Smiling Warrior is being released today ... perfect timing, Mommie!!)

Mommie warned me that the next 2 weeks will be a lot like the last 3 days ... Crunch Time!!  Time to get everyone that's involve-able, involved.  It's one thing to just take part in the day, it's a completely different thing to garner the needed support to pull the day off with style!!  The Smiling Warrior deserves it, RSDers and GPers deserve it, the Medical Community needs it, and the families need to know that their Warrior is not alone, and neither are they!!

I have faith that Mommie will put every spoon in her arsenal to good use for the CSD3 campaign.  She's not The Crazy Cripple for nuthin'!!  I have faith that she'll rest in February, and I have faith that I will faithfully stay by her side to remind her to eat, sleep, laugh, love, and play ... it's just up to her to recognize my efforts!!  Go run your errands, Mommie, before the bad weather sets in ... and then ... It's nap time!!

If you'd like to participate in CSD3, go to: https://www.facebook.com/events/102271203267678/?fref=ts

To see the video that Mommie made, go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHYFugf_UU4

Peace out!!!  I just found my tennis ball!!!      

Soul Searching: The Results Are In

There comes a time in every dog's life when their human decides to go soul searching.  This last weekend was my time.  Mommie made lists.  A lot of lists.  When all was said and done, it ended up being six notebook pages, front and back, of pros, cons, and lists.  (When I sniffed the kitchen trash this morning, I found her used up notebook underneath her first round of coffee grounds.)  The best part of the weekend, for me, was when Mommie would tear out a page, crinkle it all up, and throw it ... until she opted for a trash bag instead of my retrieval efforts ... I smelled that bag in the trash too.  <sigh> ... it was fun while it lasted.

Mommie has decided that it is in both of our best interests if we: continue growing our own food; continue to spearhead her physical therapy; grow our own herbs; not get cable tv during football season; stick to raising awareness for RSD and not focus on on raising money; create a fan page on Facebook for me; finish our book; take more short walks together; start looking for a new couch/sofa-surfboard; remove all mouse turds; and just remain the Dynamic Duo.  I have no idea what any of this has to do with searching her soul, but it all sounds good to these pointy, floppy ears.

As she explained it, these things will make our lives cheaper and easier.  Really Mommie, that's all you've got?  Cheaper and easier?  The word "elaborate" comes to mind here.  And then she did just that (she's convinced that the only reason that she got a dog in the first place was so that she didn't look crazy when she talked to herself out loud).  Ok, here's the breakdown: 

She said that if we grow our own food and herbs, it will be cheaper than always having to go to the store and to the herbologist.  As summer ends and the weather gets cooler and it becomes more difficult for her to get out of the house, it will make it easier and less stressful when she runs out of something.  So we are going to build a make-shift greenhouse with all sorts of veggies and roots in it.  This should go well ... oi vey!!

The whole physical therapy thing boils down to a swimsuit, or lack thereof.  She was contemplating going back to the therapy pool at the hospital and then transferring over to the YMCA to continue PT on her own.  The RSD in her right leg is causing the muscles to shorten and warm water therapy is the best when it comes to elongating those muscles, but that means that she would have to buy a swimsuit and that's not in our budget.  I think it's because she thinks that no one wants to see her 43 year old, skinny butt in something as revealing as a swimsuit ... but I digress.  So we will take more short walks around the block followed by me helping her with her stretches and more baths ... for her, not me!!  

Next ... she already has a game plan in tact for football season, so there is no need to shovel out more dollars on cable tv.  We do just fine with Hulu, Netflix, and the 5 local networks.  Day games at Auntie ColoAngel's house, night games at the GingerBar, and "bad day" games at the Castle where Mommie's parents live.  My Mommie is so smart ... she only goes where there's good food.  I taught her that!!

Something that causes my Mommie a hell-a-ton of stress is having to ask for money ... for any reason.  She swallows her pride often enough to ask her parents for help, but when it comes to raising money for a cause, she just can't do it without feeling like a "humiliated ass," as she calls it.  Her line of thinking is that if she can't afford to donate, what gives her the right to ask for other human's hard earned cash ... answer: not a damn thing!!  So she will continue to focus our efforts on raising awareness for RSD.  We'll leave the fundraising to the rich people that can afford it!!

Mommie wants a new couch that also converts into a sofa surfboard.  The couch that we have now is so comfy, I just don't understand why she wants a new one!!  Oh wait ... never mind ... I do know why.  The couch that we have now is a woven red fabric/mohair (my hair) blend.  No matter how often Mommie vacuums it, it just takes one Happy Nappy from me to reupholster it.  I can see how that would be nerve-racking for her.  And we need to be kind to her nerves.  Let the search begin!!

This morning, finally ... after weeks of procrastinating, Mommie created my Facebook Fan Page, Kiva's Korner.  All for me!!!  I get to tattle on her, make jokes about her, post pictures of myself, and maybe even learn to write my own meme's.  This leads straight into the need to finish the book that Mommie and I are writing together.  Hopefully we can make enough money with it to afford trips so that we can include "The Adventures Of..." to my page.  Mommie wants to travel Route 66 with me ... just think of all of the stories that I could tell about that adventure!!

The last bit of soul searching that Mommie did was to realize that she can no longer ask a guy, any guy, to take us on in a relationship.  She doesn't want to risk someone else caring about her and being forced to sit and watch and feel helpless when she has a flare or needs to recover.  She sees the looks on their faces and she might as well have just asked them for money, because the "humiliated ass" feeling comes back and clobbers her over the head with a 2x4.  It's not to fair to ask anyone to have to witness how pathetic she gets, and it's not fair to her to see them miserable because of her.  So we will remain the Dynamic Duo with some stellar friends, an amazing family, and (Mommie says) batteries.  (I don't get that last one, maybe you humans will.)

I have faith that Mommie and I will do what we need to do for us!!  I have faith that I will back her up on her PT and protect her while she flares and recovers.  I have faith that Mommie won't try to make me eat the veggies and herbs as we grow them (thank God).  I have faith that we will find a new couch before winter hits.  As much as I love the vacuum (no really, I do) I know that it hurts Mommie every time she has to drag it out and use it.  Now, I'm gonna go search the world wide doggie web for meme's for my wall ... tee hee ... this is gonna be fun!!  Peace out, humans!!   

Girl Meets Girl

I will never understand the humans.  They come in all shapes and sizes and some of them make absolutely no sense when they open their mouths.  Last night, while I was chillin with my Mommie who was in spoon-recovery mode from the zoo, Mommie's Mommie brought over dinner and also brought this small blonde human with her.  I had heard about this Girl Munchkin, I had seen pictures, and I knew her scent immediately.  It was Mommie's niece, my female human cousin.  All she wanted to do was pet me ... and see all of the rooms in our tiny house.  I was not amused, but I was polite-ish.  I knew that Mommie's RSD pain was up a little bit, so I tried to not cause her any more stress ... I think deserve an Academy Award for my portrayal of a dog that doesn't mind mini-people.

I have to admit though, she is cute.  Every time my Mommie stroked my head and said, "good girl, punkin," the tiny human repeated the action and the words.  She also seemed very concerned about where my Mommie and I took our Happy Nappies and then she asked if she could come back and take a Happy Nappy with us some day.  "Hey kid, this is my Mommie!  Back the truck up!"  I hear that there's another tiny human that I have to meet as well.  The boy.  As long as I have someone to love on me too, I'll do my best to not get snippy.  Mommie seemed to have her hands full with the girl and me, so she may need to recruit help when they add the other one.


It's not that I don't like kids, because I do, but they are loud and squealy and I've been hurt by them in the past, before I came to live with my Mommie.  I'm just leery of them, is all.  I don't want my tail and ears pulled again.  I don't want to be hit again.  But I got over my fear of older men in baseball hats, so I can overcome this fear too ... with Mommie's help, of course.


I have faith that I will be forced to deal with these miniature humans again again over the course of my life.  I have faith that, some day, I will come to love them as much as my Mommie does ... maybe when they're normal-sized.  I have faith that I will teach them how to play Marathon Ball and Tug.  And I have faith that I will always be my Mommie's girl and I know that she would never let anything bad happen to me.  After all, I got chicken last night after they left!!  If Mommie's gonna give me the good stuff every time I have to see the Munchkins, I may grow to love them by tomorrow!!



 

Surviving the Skank

Hi Ho!  Kiva the Dog here.  My Mommie's kinda wonky this morning so I told her that I would help with the blog again.  The Skank (Mother Nature) is having her way with my Mommie again.  Her comment yesterday was, "At least it's not cold a snowy this time."  I wish there were an easier way for her to explain how nasty the weather is to her body, but the are no exact words for me to define this cacophony of pain that RSD has wrought on her body.  It's the wind.  The nasty, brutal, soul-sucking, body-damning wind that really did a number on her last night ... again.  At 5:00 this morning I thought that I woke her up with kisses, whines, and a paw to the cheek and forehead, but she was just playin' possum with me.  We cuddled for a little bit and then she trebuchet'd herself out of bed, grabbed her robe that was hanging on the bedroom door and did the Frankenstein Crawl to the living room.  She turned on the news, unlocked the front door, opened it, and her jaw dropped as cuss words gushed out of her mouth.  The wind had smashed 2 of her flower pots and deposited a lovely tree limb on top of her car.  Unfortunately, no damage was done to the buttmobile so there will be no test driving of new-to-us vehicles in our near future ... dangit!!

Mommie just came in from watering the gardens and the remaining flower pots.  She almost seems defeated, but I know my Mommie better than that!  She takes a setback and turns it into something positive.  She's good like that.  Granted, it takes some time to get her passed the initial shock, she needs to vent a bit, but she always finds a way to benefit from a deficit.  And I, Kiva the Wondermutt, am here to help!  I need to keep her moving before the residual atrophy sets in.  My plan: to go into the backyard and roll around in my own poo so that she has to give me a bath.  It's not a brilliant plan, but it's a plan ... and I get a massage out of the deal.  See how that works?  heh heh

I'm sure that once she has properly caffeinated herself, she will clean up the mess that the Skank left on our doorstep and tend to the remaining plants that survived.  She calls it "deadheading" ... I call it "taking the gross stuff off of the pretty stuff."  She's got herbs to clip and dry, a dog to bathe, letters to write, a slideshow to publish, a patio to rearrange (again), sticks and twigs to pick up, a kitchen to clean, laundry to fold, and I'm sure she'll need me to help her manage her spoons.  The good news is that she's still focused.  She still has her mission and she's still working her non-existent butt off to achieve it.

I have faith that I'll get the stink washed off of me today.  I have faith that my Mommie will walk over to Bertha to make her 2nd pot of coffee before 9 a.m. (it's 8:35 right now).  I have faith that the patio will get it's needed attention as soon as Mommie stops gagging and gives me a bath.  For an RSDer who claims to have "no life," she's got a pretty full dish!