A Pet's Peeve

Hi ho!!  Kiva the Dog here, reporting live from the Chalet.  My Mommie finally took me for a walk this morning!!  I was so excited that I peed on the sidewalk!!  To be honest, I have already forgotten all of my leash training from last summer ... and the summer before that ... and the summer before that ... and the....well, you get the picture.  In my defense, it's not my fault!!  My Mommie is not confident that her body will hold up every day, especially in the winter, and there's no one for us to walk with regularly to give Mommie that assurance that if something does happen to her, there is someone there to help ... besides me, that is!!  So once she's got her Spring Treatments in her and she's rebuilt some stamina, we start walking again.

We usually start out on short 2-3 block walks and then we gradually increase a block every day, but we were on a roll with our leash re-training and Mommie had enough spoons in her arsenal to donate two more to me, so we extended today's walk to about 6 blocks.  I'd pull, Mommie would give a quick tug on my leash, I'd hack, I'd wheeze, we'd go on.  I'd pull again, Mommie would tug the leash again, I'd hack and wheeze again, and Mommie would instruct me to, "Sit."  I'd catch my breath, Mommie would say, "Let's go," I'd pull again, Mommie would make me stop again ... over and over and over ... for 4 blocks!!  Finally I remembered that it was my pulling that was making me wheeze and hack so I gave Mommie some slack on my leash and the last 2 blocks were easy peezy!!!  Until we got to juuuust in front of the Good Neighbor's house ... and there she was.

Mommie has been parking the Brown Bomber on the street lately because our single car garage is filled with assorted groups of buckets of gardening tools, pallets, potting soil, some stuff called Sheep-N-Peat that just smells like poop, a roll of some kind of black fabric, a wheelbarrow, and rakes and shovels and stuff.  As we walked passed the Good Neighbor's house, Mommie glanced up and through her car windows she could see the form of Psycho-Crazy Lady from up the street, my neighborhood arch nemesis (2nd only to the mailman).  I felt Mommie's demeanor change as she shortened my leash and drew me back to her right side. Smart Mommie started to cut through the Good Neighbor's yard so that I would see my house and pull her to the door, but Psycho-Crazy Lady popped out from in front the Brown Bomber and in the high pitched voice of a 4 year old that can't pronounce her L's and R's squealed, "Wew hewwo thewe!!"  Now Mommie has talked to this woman before and that is not her normal tone!!  Knowing just how much Mommie hates baby talk, my peaceful Beagle-ness skedaddled and I went full blown German Shepherd Nazi on her ass!!  "Oh what's wong wiff da wittle puppy?  You'we a good dwoggie, come here good dwoggie," she chirped as she patted her thigh with the hand that wasn't holding the cane.  I could contain myself no longer and I lunged, barking rabidly (I'm pretty sure I could be heard for a 2 mile radius.).  Mommie jerked my leash and reeled me back in but I wouldn't stop growling and snarling and barking at this woman whose mere presence causes my Mommie extra pain. (Yep, she's one of those types of human.) "Come hewe sweet dwoggie, I just want to pwet you." <Mommie's note: Are you friggin kidding me lady??  Knock it the hell off already, you've known for years that she hates you!!>  Mommie cut across our yard, pulling me backwards towards the door.  She fumbled her to-go cup of coffee while trying to pick our house key off of her shiny silver key chain, and cussed.  I was still trying to charge the Psycho-Crazy Broad who was still talking to me in baby talk from next to Brown Bomber, still 2 octaves above middle C.  Mommie stopped messing with her keys, turned around and smiled at her.  Smiled!!  You could have knocked me over with a feather!!  Aaaaand then she opened her mouth and spoke. "We're in a mood today.  It's probably best to not antagonize either of us."  Mommie found our house key and turned to open the lock when she heard Psycho-Crazy Broad say, in her normal tenor-ish, exasperated voice, "Well fine!!  I just wanted to say 'hi' to your dog."  Mommie turned the knob on our door and shooed me inside, turned back around and said to the woman, "Unlike you, I tend to avoid animals that act like they want to rip my head off, not egg them on.  You are really lucky that I'm a firm believer in leashes, because I'm not fast enough to stop her.  Please, don't ever do that again," and Mommie came inside where I greeted her with a hug and a kiss and a motorboat propeller of a tail wag!!  I was proud of her for saying "please."

Psycho-Crazy Broad waddled away mumbling under her breath and Mommie bee-lined for the bathroom and her 4% k-spray before she headed over to Flo for a refill.  I guess all of the tugging and pulling and lunging caused her some extra pain ... dumb psycho lady made me hurt my Mommie's RSD!!!  Don't think for one "wittle" second that I'll forget this!!!  But Mommie bounced back in time to go plant shopping with her Mommie!! Like she's said time and again, "It's all in the distraction!"

I have faith that I will protect my Mommie from that evil presence up the street.  I have faith that Mommie will continue to take me for walks and I have faith that I will save up my poop for Psycho-Crazy Broad's front yard for the rest of the week ... at least!!  Don't mess with my Mommie, don't mess with her nerves, and please, for the love of everything Holy, don't use baby talk in front of us!!  I don't enjoy causing my Mommie extra pain, but I will if I think I'm protecting her.  Nobody messes with my Mommie, nobody!!!! ... except me, of course!!  AAARRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO