Checking Motives

“In order to have friends, you must first be a friend!!”  ~ Jennifer Samson

This is true for every person on the face of the earth … unless you have a boatload of money and can afford to buy people’s loyalty, but that still does not guarantee that they will consider you “a friend.”  For an RSDer it is no different.  We remember the days when we could spend time with the people that we called “friends.”  We remember the days when we didn’t have to count spoons, pick our battles, plan our recovery times, schedule treatments around events, and could go balls-to-the-wall in every single one of our activities.  This makes us sad … depressed, even.   I often read posts about people losing all of their friends because of their RSD.  This is something to which every RSDer can relate.  We have all mourned the loss of the life we once had prior to our contraction of this nasty beast of a disease.  But friendships should never be completely out of our control.

I think back to 20 years ago when I first contracted and was diagnosed with having, RSD.  The only people that are still active in my life to this day are … my family!!  Thinking back to15 years ago, the cast of characters had changed again, except for, wait for it…, my family!!  10 years ago, another new ensemble of friends, but my family was still there.  What was the common denominator in all of those failed friendships??  ME!!!  In 2005 I got off of the booze and the mind altering pain pills, joined a 12 Step Program and learned about checking my motives.  OMG … I was a demanding, selfish, train wreck of a bitch!!  No wonder I couldn’t keep my friends!!  I have no idea how I had managed to hang on to my family!!  All I was doing was crying and complaining and whining and lashing out!!  Well guess what??  The only real friends that I’ve lost since I realized, and fixed, that tasty little morsel of a life lesson were of my own choosing!!  And it’s only because I try to do the work instead of just demanding the results and having the unmitigated gall of being appalled when people walked out of my life.    

This particular Program taught me to pick up the phone and call two people every morning, never once talking about myself.  I was to ask how the other person was, what was new with them, how their vacation was, what they had for dinner the night before, how their child did in his/her school’s band/choir/theater/sports performance, how many times their dog poops in one day, what flowers they were planning on planting in the spring … anything that had nothing to do with me.  I did not call them to complain about my physical/mental/emotional woes.  I did not ask for advice.  I did not cry.  I did not get angry or bitter because the conversation was not geared toward me.  I listened.  I laughed.  I asked questions that aroused from the conversation.  I even made plans once and a while.  Most importantly, I learned how to try!!

I can honestly say that the “friends” that I have today see me try!!  They know that I still have my bad days when it’s tough to see passed my own nose, but they know that those are the days when I try to keep to myself.  The last thing I want to do is bitch their ears off!!  There is a select group to whom I can vent when I need to get something off of my chest, but I try to use a rotation so that I’m not complaining about the same thing over and over to the same friend.  My Team, CaliAngel, ColoAngel, Warrior Mama, Raspberry Shortcake, Houdini, repeat.  If all they were to see and hear was just the bad stuff, they wouldn’t want to stick around either!!  I try to show them that I am there for them!!  I try to do the work to maintain my side of the friendship.  I don’t always succeed, but my success rate continues to rise!!  It’s all about progress, not perfection.  Acceptance, not denial.  Giving, not demanding.

You know what??  I HAVE RSD!!  BUT IT DOES NOT HAVE ME!!  I will not go gently into that good night, I will not roll over and play dead (hell, I won’t even teach my dog that trick!!), I will not give up!!  The mind altering pills made me not care about anything and only exacerbated my relatively dormant selfish tendencies.  My life through clearer eyes makes me care.  The pain I can manage, even if I can’t control it.  I don’t need to host my own pity party every damn day of the week!!

 I have faith that will continue to try being a friend, and a pleasant person to be around.  I have faith that on days when I can’t keep myself together, I will temporarily remove myself from the situation.  I have faith that I can be a mature adult who can laugh and have fun and not a demanding, needy infant that just cries and sleeps.  I have faith that I will continue to check my motives!!  And I encourage my fellow RSDers to do the same!!  That being said, I’m going to try to take a shower so that my Team doesn’t have to see the same train wreck that he’s had to witness for the last 2 days!!