What Comes After "Tired" Again?

I'm tired.  Tired of always having to be so strong.  Tired of fighting the beast inside my body.  Tired of listening to the voices in my head.  Tired of feeling let down and forgotten.  Tired of not being able to sleep.  Tired of being the only person in whom I can trust, and sometimes that's a little iffy.  Tired of failing and feeling defeated.  Tired of always being alone.  Tired of the ever-looming funk that's just waiting for me to let my guard down a teeny tiny bit so that it can engulf me.  Tired of people who claim that they "get it" or want to "get it" but don't and/or won't.  Tired of being taken for granted.  Tired of trying things differently and still getting the same damn results.  Tired of people taking advantage of my spoon supply.  Tired of swimming in a size 2.  Tired of not being good enough.

I thought I had finally balanced the scales of karma.  I have accepted my RSD, I've turned my life around and I have stopped acting selfishly.  I don't hate, I won't lie, I do not judge, and I actively avoid drama.  All of these were conscious decisions that have become the core of my personality.  And yet I'm still unhappy.  I'm sober, I'm generous, I'm caring, and I'm no closer to true happiness than I was when I started making all of these life changes 8 years ago.  I feel as if my RSD is a real life Dementor.  (had to give a little shout out to my Harry Potter marathon yesterday) ... So now what??  What do I change about myself this time to try to find that elusive feeling of true happiness??  How do I go about filling the void??  (Ugh ... I resent letting the funk vacuum suck me up, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I let down my guard for 2 seconds and started to breath a sigh of relief, but then <whoosh> ... and now here I am, defeated and depleted ... again.)

Yes, I have made significant strides in my life.  Yes, I have overcome some serious obstacles.  Yes, I am still alive and kicking and able to tell my story.  Yes, I have a dog, parents, and siblings that love me very much and are proud of me ... finally.  Yes, I have created a few memories that will live in my heart forever.  Yes, I have volunteered and given of myself in support of others.  Yes, I appreciate the life I do have.  But now what??  How do I go about relighting the spark within me??

I have faith that I'll get over myself and kick the pity-pot out from under my bony ass.  I have faith that I will rediscover the inspiration and direction that keeps me fighting.  I have faith that this too shall pass.  I have faith that I will keep trying and failing until something finally clicks, no matter how discouraged I get.  12 days until my next Ketamine treatment to recharge my batteries ... and then I'll try ... again.