Flare and Self-Loathing in Longmont

I have no one to blame but myself, and believe me, I tried to not to.  (Poor grammar, I know, but that was the exact phrase that exploded from my brain) This pop-reality tidbit was just the catalyst I needed to get the funk vacuum to finally spit me out yesterday ... own my painful mistakes, learn from my painful mistakes, and make a conscious effort to never repeat painful mistakes.  If this is any indication as to how icky, cranky, and grumpy I was and how much pain I was in, I couldn't even talk to my BFF!!  I honestly couldn't stand to be around myself and I wasn't about to inflict that piss poor attitude on anyone else, especially someone that I love and respect!! (So to my Mom, my Dad, and my ColoAngel, I love you ... I'm sorry ... I'm back!!  And to Houdini, thanks for the oostakaka kick during my Funk Fest. Brother, you're the only one that could have gotten away with it unscathed ... but beware of paybacks.)

I knew better.  With only 2 weeks left until my next treatment, and my body completely depleted of my last Ketamine infusion, I should have advocated for myself instead of allowing myself to be flown around by the seat of someone else's pants.  Cold, windy, snowy Colorado weather (we call it "Spring") brings enough challenges without me adding insult to injury by developing resentments from travelling the winding back roads of the Rocky Mountains for 3 hours, in and out of 4 different pressure systems, in a vehicle that lurched and lunged and vibrated.  I should have spoken up and offered a Plan B to a friend who was visiting from out of state, and also the driver, but I was happy to finally get to spend some time with him, so I didn't ... and I am still paying for it 5 days later.  This is me "should-ing" on myself. 

I am constantly telling other RSDers to stick up for themselves, to be their own best advocate.  I didn't do that and now I am the one who has to live with those consequences.  To try to expedite the pain induced funk, I met a few girlfriends and 1 husband for dinner on Friday night, but I was only able to get through the fried pickles appetizer before my body began revolting against my clothes, which caused the nausea to kick up, which caused my early retreat to the Chalet.  One of my girlfriends (we'll call her Mrs Claus since she lives in North Pole, Alaska, and cooks and sews like it's nobody's business) asked me a very valid question before my abrupt departure, "Can't you get treatments more often?"  The answer is anything but simple.  Yes, I could get my Ketamine Nerve Blocks more often than just twice per year, but I won't.  I'm only in the hospital (Day Surgery) for 3-4 hours every October and April, but it takes almost a whole week for me to fully recover from the procedure.  The dates are my choice and I am only willing to do it every 6 months.  For me, April and October make the most sense right now.  My October blocks prime me for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Munchkin Birthdays, Christmas, and my birthday.  My April blocks prime me for tornado chasing season, the Munchkin's summer break, tons of laughs in the out-of-doors with The Fun Folk, and shorts and flip flops.

What happens is this: My doc knocks me out with Ketamine and Versaid, and then he proceeds to turn my slight figure into a human pin cushion with injections of Ketamine into my central nervous system.  Yes, the blocks make my life livable again, but the time and effort it takes to recover from 12+ injections and a drug that makes my worst nightmare feel like a reality is just not worth it to me.  And this doesn't even take into account the fact that I abhor how Ketamine makes my stomach feel.  I'll probably lose another 3-4 pounds during that post treatment week. <sigh> This is my life and this is how I have to live it.  There is no truer phrase than "there is a method to my madness" when trying to explain to people how I do what I do when I do it.  I should have stuck to my methods.

I have faith that I will get through these next 9 days.  I have faith that once I've had my blocks and the side effects have worn off, I will be able to get back to living.  I have faith that I will continue to make mistakes that exacerbate my pain, but I have faith that I will continue to learn from them.  I am my own best advocate and I will speak up!!!!