Coach Crankypants Rears Her Ugly Head

I had a gazillion windows open on my laptop yesterday for Cyber Monday.  Four windows were different articles that I’ve been working on, my email inbox, Facebook (of course), Gap, Amazon, Barnes and Nobel, Target, Men’s Warehouse, Vera Bradley, JC Penney’s, Kohl’s, Walgreen’s, Pinterest, Fanatics, College Football Store, Crate and Barrel, Bath and Bodyworks, Gymboree, Sesame Street, and Ancestry.  Plus I was tracking my eBay “watch list” from my iPhone.  … I did it all from bed and I still have a little moolah left on my credit card!!!

Why am I in bed??  HA!!  It’s nowhere NEAR as fun as it sounds, trust me.  But I knew, in a general fashion, that I was going to be in some nasty pain after my crazy weekend.  Now, let me define “crazy weekend” for you … We returned from my niece and nephew’s ‘birthday party weekend’ late Sunday evening.  For those of you trying to do the math, let me break this down for you.  It’s a 19 hour drive, round trip.  We left at 6:30 a.m. on Friday morning (myself, my 6’4” brother, my 6’3” father, and my 5’6” mother … that’s alotta need for alotta leg room in a packed-to-the-hilt-with-presents-and-bags SUV, driving thru a heavy pressure front and insane winds!!) … and we got home a little after 7 on Sunday night. 60.5 hours total. Subtract the 19 hours of travel time and that equals 41.5 hours out of the car.  Now … factor in that the Munchkins went to bed at 7:30 p.m. (both nights) and were up at 6:30 a.m. (both mornings), and I can’t forget Saturday's 3 hour nap … so now we’re at 41.5 minus 25 hours of Munchkin sleep, equals 16.5 hours.  Then there was the 3.5 hours of birthday party where I was on my feet (in heels) taking pictures and video.  So to sum up … I GOT 13 HOURS OF FACE TIME!!!  Can I get a WOOT WOOT?!?!?!?!
(_\_) (_l_) (_/_) (_l_) … (that’s my happy butt dance!!!)

I would walk through fire, tornados, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, terrorist attacks … ANYTHING for my niece and nephew!!  It’s a conscious decision that I made with my head and my heart at the exact moment when my sister told me that she was pregnant.  I knew that I would have to change my life in order to be present in theirs … and I have!!  And I think I’ve done a damn good job of it too!!  I am more than willing to sacrifice whatever is necessary (physically, mentally, emotionally) for those 2 little scrumptious nuggets.  I was mentally prepared for the amount of pain I would be in upon my return home.  At the chalet, I had everything physically ready that I needed to fight the flares as soon as we got back.  I didn’t have a chance to go to the store before we left (silly stores closing on Thanksgiving), but these people are my team, we’d fix it when we got back.  I had to be with the twins and my family … I was as prepared as I could be.

We got home … aaaaaaaaaaand then my messed up, selfish, mental brain started getting in my way.  I call that part of my personality, Coach Crankypants.

RSD doesn’t care what decisions I’ve made with my life and, even after 20+ years, it still tries to take control of my life with a modicum of success.  My hope for the future is that my entire immediate family realizes what I actually go thru, inside and out, for me to even try take back that control ... without them having to feel it themselves.  Their words say that they do, but their actions, quite often, speak volumes to the contrary … Good grief, I can’t tell you how much I wish that I didn't feel this way.  My family is amazing and wonderful and caring and giving and loving and I wouldn’t trade a single one of them for anything!!!  But as I sit here, still feeling the repercussions of our trip, I question their conscious awareness of my RSD.

Now, is this actually true??  Is my family trying to ignore my RSD in the hopes that, once we‘re home, it will just go away??  I honestly do not know, I really don‘t think so, but these are the thoughts that go through my mind.  I try and try and try to suppress these thoughts, but they’re like ticks that burrow into my brain.  I have to be fully aware of what I do and how I do it 100% of the time.  It’s when I’m not paying attention that I get into trouble … a LOT of trouble.  This is why I am a conscious battle-picker.  I KNOW that they love me, I KNOW that they know the initials RSD, I KNOW that they do whatever they can for me whenever they can, and I KNOW that the thought of a family member in pain causes extreme concern and tears to the remaining members.  I KNOW that I’m being selfish by feeling this way, but I am the only one who looks out for me 24/7, and <fuck!!>  I’m tired of doing it!!  I want to turn my back on it and walk away, but I can’t.  I'm tired of always having to rely on someone to do something for me!!  <this is Verbal Regurgitation, by the way> My biggest ally this last weekend was my brother.  He was awesome!!  But he was in a hella lotta pain himself having just had oral surgery.  I tried to not burden him with my shit.  I really did … but that stinker kept an eye on me, God bless him!!

When I got home, I remembered that Mother Hubbard’s problem had nuthin’ on mine.  “Bare” does not even begin to describe my situation.  And although I still have a wee bit o’ money left after Cyber Monday, I am still unable to get to the store.  I had to order Domino’s last night for dinner and it looks like leftovers are on the menu for today.  To top it all off I have 5 loads of laundry to do; I need to get my Christmas decorations out and up; I need to change the belt on my vacuum; I need to clean my house.  … And it hurts to have my feet touch ANYTHING right now, most of all the floor.  ALL of these mundane-ish things that people take for granted.  THESE are the days when I need my team to back me up.  And these are the days when I feel most defeated and lonely because I can’t even take care of my own damn self. <enter Coach Crankypants>  And I'm too damn stubborn to swallow my pride and remind anybody!!

I hate hate HATE myself for feeling this way.  There is absolutely no excuse for it.  They all have their own lives to lead without me demanding any more of their time.  I keep hoping against hope that each time will be different and I won’t feel like this … And each time it does get a little better, but I've still got a long way to go.  I’ll be fine and happy and chipper and positive and optimistic as soon as I’m back on my feet (literally) and can take care of myself again ... in another day or so.  Until then, there’s Verbal Regurgitation, Domino's, Jimmy John's, Netflix, Hulu and Facebook.

Keep the faith, people … I do!!