It needs to be said again ... I hate RSD!! One of the most difficult side effects that I deal with is loss of memory. Whether it's a moment in time or just one word, my level of recall is for shit!! Ok, maybe it's not really quite that bad, but it definitely puts a big dent in my self-confidence. From what my doctor has explained to me and what I've learned through reading medical journals regarding nerves and synapses in the brain, there are misfires between synapses that cause the gaps in memory (just like the misfires that cause my affected body parts to twitch and shake). It's kinda like a car when one of the battery cables is just a little bit loose. If you turn the ignition (try to remember something) you may or may not get a connection (the actual memory of the moment). Sometimes the engine turns over (remembering that entire moment in time) but then you hit a tiny bump and the connection is lost and the car dies (forgetting one important, descriptive word to tie the memory together). And just like when you're sitting in that dead car on the side of the road, you feel like an idiot and you are absolutely positive that everyone passing by is staring at you and thinking the same damn thing. That feeling of embarrassment and shame is borderline brutal.
I have found a few ways to help tighten the connections in my brain through little kindergarten memory games, increasing my vocabulary, reading main words in a thesaurus and seeing how many synonyms I can come up with on my own ... things like that. That way when I forget a word, I can maneuver my way thru similar words until I get to the particular word for which I was originally searching. Confusing, no?? (Welcome to my world!!) But ... I can usually jumpstart those connections on my own and in a pretty timely fashion too!! Idiot status avoided!!
The words that I can't jumpstart are proper names, and herein lies my reason for blogging today. I was blessed with the opportunity to meet the Sweet Ones for lunch yesterday. Even though they only live about 30 minutes away from me, this is only the 2nd time we've been able to get together in the last few years due to all of our health issues and disdain for the winter cold. But these 2 wonderful people have become like family to me. As any conversation that involves my participation goes, we hit on some seriously random topics. We talked about our current health problems and solutions, their sons and granddaughters, stand-offs, our dogs, the Munchkins, rafting, the fires burning in CO, stuff they did growing up in Humbolt County, pharmacies, our food, and eastern countries. See? Random.
In regards to our discussion of eastern countries, we talked about Russia and then branched off into surrounding countries and the small towns and the people and the terrain. Here's the deal, I have never been to any of the countries that we discussed, but I have another good friend who has ... often!! And he sends me pictures of the people he meets, the places he goes on his "walk-a-bouts," the wild animals he encounters, the humble beauty of the small, but tight knit, communities. I really do live vicariously through his photographs and his destinations become engraved in my memory. But yesterday I couldn't do it. I couldn't remember the name of the country that he has shared the most with me. I could envision every single picture he's ever sent to me ... small cottages with short stone walls for fences, a farmer with a horse-drawn cart toting a massive mound of hay, very old headstones that bear depictions of how the individual died, a hobbit path, a dark wolf sitting vigil over his camera bag, gargoyle rain spouts ... I could picture them perfectly and in vivid color ... but there was no way in hell I could remember where they were taken. For 20 minutes I tried and tried but I couldn't make the connection. That loss of control started a mild sense of panic and I had to get it under control. I was a 20 minute drive from home, not to mention the fact that I was in public. It really bothered me that I was starting to have "an episode" in front of my dear friends. So I swallowed my pride and sent a text to my other friend claiming a "brainfart" on the name of the country. I had told the Sweet Ones, "I think it begins with an "S" and it used to be a part of the USSR." Mr Sweet One started rattling off names of eastern countries and cities and none of them jumpstarted my memory. For 30 minutes my heart slowly made it's way into my throat until my phone chimed with a return text. "Romania." I wanted to pull a Dobbie and repeatedly bash my head into the nearest wall as punishment for my stupidity. And then I wanted to headbutt the table for admitting a weakness that I had no intention of admitting, ever, to my other friend. I felt defeated.
Memory loss is just one of the many side effects of RSD that I am forced to deal with on a daily basis. It's not a brain fog because there is some amount of clarity with the memory recall. There is also a physical zap that happens in my head, just like when it happens with the twitches and hippy-hippy-shakes in the rest of my body. Not necessarily a 'pain,' but definitely a discomfort that is immediately followed by the feeling of complete idiocy.
It's tough to have faith in these circumstances. I know it won't get any better, in fact it'll probably get worse. There's nothing I can do about the shame and annoyance that I feel when it happens, and I haven't found any tricks yet for recalling proper names ... but I'm open to suggestions!! I do, however, have total faith that I will make light of these situations when they do happen. There is no need for anyone else to see or feel the anxiety that memory loss causes me, right?? Vanity, thy name is 'woman'!! Or in my case, 'Jenn' ... Hopefully soon I will be able to turn this whole incident around and make a joke out of it ... the sooner the better because this embarrassment is brutal!!
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