All I Want For Christmas Is.........

All I Want for Christmas is a Cure.  That seems to be the general consensus among the RSDers on Facebook ... and in real life.  I can't even begin to describe how much I want a cure for them as well!!  No one should have to endure this kind of physical, mental, and emotion trauma ... ever!!  Especially the kids!!  Man, they need to have their childhoods!!  They need to be worried about tests, sports, sleepovers, what color bike they want for Christmas, boyfriends, girlfriends, younger siblings reading their diaries/journals, and who they're taking to the Winter Formal.  These kids do not need to be setting alarms to remember to take meds, or foregoing skiing or sledding trips because it's too cold or wearing boots would hurt too much or just the thought of the pain from falling down causes a panic attack.  They don't need to be worried about missed schoolwork from an overabundance of "sick days" when the pain is too bad to move.  That is my Christmas wish for all of my fellow RSDers, a cure!!

As for me, 21 years is a long time to live with something 24/7.  Even with a spouse/partner, there are minutes/hours/days of separation, even if it's while they're sleeping.  But living with RSD, and never having had the benefit of a period of remission, there has been no escape for me.  Even when I ran away to Hawaii (twice) my RSD was still with me.  When I got married, divorced, had to quit college, became an aunt, and coached volleyball and basketball - I had RSD.  Every time I've tried to move away from this town, I've had to come back because my support system of family and doctors and therapists are here.  The friends that know how to handle me social situations are here too (these are also the same friends with whom I feel comfortable enough to let my guard down, not something I do often).  I have had to reconstruct so much of my life over the last 21 years that everything I do, both consciously and subconsciously, revolves around minimizing pain, spending energy (spoons) wisely, and planning to the nth degree, no longer able to be spontaneous.  (I miss spontaneity ... just sayin'.)  RSD has become my livable life.  I don't remember what it's like to not be in pain, but I also don't know how I would react to not being in pain, if a cure was discovered tomorrow.  Before my RSD I was selfish, devious, crass, a daredevil, and rude.  RSD taught me how to be a better person, will I revert back to those old ways if I was painfree?  I sure as schnikes don't want that!!  

In the past, I have balked at making a Christmas Wish, only because I have learned to be grateful for the things that I already have; a hand-me-down car, a neighbor's old couch, hand-me-down clothes, a roof over my head, the love and generosity of dear friends, the love and support of a stellar family, a maniacal mutt, soap, coffee, hats, and a winning Broncos' football season.  I am a grateful girl, fer sher!!  But there is one thing that I don't have, and that will be my Christmas Wish for myself, if we survive the zombie apocalypse, that is.  I can only hope and have faith that it exists.  However, I refuse to put my wish into words.  I won't write it down and I won't speak of it.  It is in my head and my heart and I feel like if I "put it out there" that I'll just end up jinxing myself and I've had enough disappointment for one lifetime, thanks to having RSD.  

I have faith that good things will happen for all of us this Hollerday season, PainBeDamned.  I have faith that if I don't get my wish, I will continue to be grateful for the things that I do have.  I have faith that I will continue to live un-spontaneously and plan out the good times in which I am able to participate.  I'm taking a huge gamble on this Christmas Wish thing ... apparently it's what you do when you have "faith."