The Girl Who Cried "Wolf"

I saw a wolf a few weeks ago.  A real live wolf.  I didn't see it in a zoo, or in a cage, or in a local wildlife habitat, or on tv.  It wasn't a dog, or a halfbreed, or a fox, or a coyote.  It was, most definitely, a wolf.  It was about 100 yards away in the middle of a snowy mountain meadow and it was mesmerizing.  There were 3 of us in the truck and we all crept out (ok, they crept, I quietly flumped) to try to get a better look without scaring it away.  There hadn't been a documented wild wolf sighting in Colorado since February 2007.  We didn't know that historical little tidbit at the time, we only knew that we were face to face with a live wolf!  We stood side-by-side at the edge of the gravel mountain road and gawked at the majestic creature for 30-40 seconds before we remembered we had cameras with us.  Our fingers clicked the shutters frantically as the wolf turned and slowly made it's way away from us, down a slight slope, and into a small grove of leafless aspen trees.  Something happened to me as the wolf descended into the trees.  Something familiar and spiritual and surreal and confusing and tangible all at the same time.  Something that I wasn't sure I could ever explain to someone who hadn't experienced it for themselves.  The wolf stopped right at the treeline and turned back to look at us as if she were some old Native American medicine woman leaving us with some parting words of ancient wisdom.  None of us could speak as she disappeared behind the wall of white bark.  

It was like I recognized her from somewhere.  Stranger still, it was like she had recognized me.  Don't ask me how I know she's a "she," I just know.  This may sound completely crazy, bizarre-o, loo-loo, and/or bonkers, but I really don't care.  This was the sign, the spiritual 'ah-ha' moment, for which I had been asking and praying for a very long time, and it all happened faster than a single flutter of a hummingbird's wings.

I was a week away from treatment and physically unable to process the emotions of everything that had happened in that moment in the meadow, but when I got home that evening and had finished crying over the pain, I wrote down what I knew to be the facts of the experience.  Finally, 7 days post treatment, 2 weeks after the encounter, I was able to re-read my facts, close my eyes, and reexamine the feelings and emotions from that day.  I recaptured the solace of her presence and had begun to realize exactly what it meant for me.  The wolf imparted that when I was physically ready and able to accept her gift, it would be out there waiting for me.  She empathized with my loneliness and assured me that the time for the void to be filled was near ... very near. Well ... she was right.  I went out to dinner with a good friend last week (neither of us knowing about the other's fondness for sushi until we sat down for sushi) and spent all day Saturday with my Dad, garage sale-ing and flea market-ing.  (If you know my Dad, then you know how odd the day's activities felt ... in a good way, though!!)    

Go ahead and roll your eyes at me and say "whatever Jenn" under your your breath.  I'm used to it.  I'm an Oldtimer in the wonderful world of RSD.  I'm used to people not believing me.  I'm used to the eye rolls and the brush offs.  I'm used to being judged and mocked and called a liar due something that's out of my control but is every bit as real as my own existence.  I didn't plan on getting a life-altering, debilitating, frustrating, painful disease, any more than I planned on seeing the wolf ... but they both happened.  I can't explain why I felt the way felt in her presence any more than I can explain why one day I feel great and look normal, and the next day I feel like I want to rip off my skin and scream in agony ... yet both feelings are equally real.  I can't explain every single one of my ever-morphing symptoms any more than I can explain how I completely understood every word that that animal didn't utter to this human ... and yet to me, it all makes perfect sense.  RSD has taught me to believe in the unexplainable and that's why I believe that the wolf spoke to me.  Not to my ears, but to my soul.

Having faith is great.  Holding on to faith is hard.  But if you hold on long enough and are willing to look beyond the scope of what cannot be explained, faith brings fruition and reward ... and sometimes it happens in totally bizarre-o ways!!

Side note: Regarding the plethora of shots that the 3 of us took of the wolf, only one single picture turned out ...  mine.  <insert theme from Twilight Zone here>