Ugly Begging

Dear 25-32 Loyal Readers,

I need your help!!  Please help me save what's left of my sanity!!  In this book of short stories that I am writing, I am basing the stories on blog posts.  I've already completed the stories about my 8 personal favorite blog entries (including 2 stories written by Kiva), but now I'm completely stymied, and I need at least 5 more to complete the "collection."  Here is where your input can have some serious impact.  What are 1 or 2 of your personal favorites?  Which behind-the-scenes stories do you, my faithful stalkers, want to read?

Ever since my discovery of Nirvana, I've really been trying to keep myself focused on writing.  I know, with every fiber of my being, that I can make some money with this thing.  I've published poetry and short stories before, and only the critics have hated me.  The masses, apparently, think that I'm a decently indecent writer.  In less than 3 months, my monthly income will decrease by $150.  The car that I purchased for my ex-husband out of my Medical Trust, while we were still married, will be paid off.  I had to word it as "alimony" in the divorce papers so that he couldn't get out of paying me back.  I will receive my last check from him in April. 

It's been hard enough trying to live on $750 a month, now I have to start looking at re-budgeting my life to operate within a $600 window. <sigh> This is what happens when you contract RSD through a work injury and you're working as a waitress making $2.11/hour + tips.  My worker's comp checks were a joke, so I kept working.  My stubbornness caused the disease to spread and I was then faced with having to file for Social Security Disability based on my wages as a waitress.  Oh joy!!  (People, if you're in the service industry, claim more than 8% of your tips as required by law!!  You never know what could happen!!)

Since I am still unable to work, I have to find another way to make money.  I suck at being an Independent Consultant and I loathe sales.  They both stress me out (more pain) and I end up spending more money than I make (again, more stress and more pain), so most home-based opportunities aren't an option for me.  If I'm going to have a shot of ever getting passed living paycheck to paycheck and depending on the kindness of family and friends to fill in the paycheck gaps, it's going to be through my writing.  I am writing about the 1 thing about which I am most passionate ... raising awareness for RSD.  So ... Comment here on Blogspot, or comment on the links on FB, Twitter, or Google+, and let me know what your fave blog entries have been, please!!  Yes, I'm begging.  No, it's not pretty.

I have faith that I will get out of my financial handcuffs eventually.  I have never been as determined as I am now, to make good things happen in my life!!  I have faith that even if I don't make Oprah's Book List or The New York Times Best Seller List, I will still touch some lives with my stories about having a life despite RSD.

Thanks for sticking with me, folks!!  All help received will probably get some kind of "honorable mention" in the book ;)

Sincerely,
Jenn ~ aka The Crazy Cripple

Finding Nirvana

Nirvana: A transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self.

(In this particular blog, you will meet a few new characters from my crazy life ... Neffy: a valued and cherished employee and friend of my ColoAngel.  He has adopted me as his "Auntie Jenn," and I just love that kid!! ... Fave Hubs: ColoAngel's husband, and, consequently, my favorite husband.  'Cuz he's just that cool!! ... Grunt-N-Stuff: ColoAngel's American Bulldog, and soon to be Kiva's BFF, whether they want to be or not!! ... and last, but not least, Grace: One of Neffy's best friends, a former employee of my ColoAngel, another adoptee of Auntie Jenn, and a klutz in the purest sense of the word.  I used to think that I was a accident prone, but this girl puts me to shame!!) ... Ok, ready for the story??

I have discovered paradise!!  Ok, so I didn't discover it personally, but I was introduced to it this last weekend.  Oh ... My ... Wow!!!  When my ColoAngel and Neffy first started telling me about this place a year ago, it sounded nice.  Now, having experienced the Lake House for myself, "nice" is probably the worst description known to mankind.  This place was Colorado Perfection!!!  It's not just by the lake.  The front door is about 20 feet from the shoreline of a small, satellite lake of Grand Lake.  (I say "small" but it's really not.  It's just small in comparison to Grand Lake.)  There was a fresh blanket of snow spread across the ice covered lake and white mountain ranges engulfed us on all sides.  The air was cool and crisp and I didn't give a rat's ass!!  The beauty and tranquility that overcame me the moment that I stepped out of the car was more beneficial than my last 4 Ketamine treatments combined.  It even made me forget about the moronic brunette with the New York license plates who delayed our arrival by a good 40 minutes with her inability to partake of the pull-off's for slower traffic on snowy mountain roads.  I'm pretty sure we topped out at 15 mph while we were trapped behind her.  We all said a silent prayer of thanks when she finally turned at the Winter Park ski resort ... and then I think we prayed for all of the other skiers on that mountain, but I was too busy flooring the gas to hear anyone say "Amen."

The Lake House is, in fact, a 4 story condo that is owned by Neffy's family.  3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a full kitchen, a living room with a potbellied stove and flatscreen, and a deck that overlooks the lake.  As soon as we got through the door, Neffy went to work turning on the water pump and chopping kindling for a fire, as Fave Hubs and Grunt-N-Stuff unloaded all of our bags and food from the car.  My ColoAngel started slaving away in the kitchen, chopping potatoes, onions, and carrots to accent the roast beef that she was making in the crock pot ... aaaand then she put together a chocolate cake ... uh huh ... she loves me!!  I'm not sure what Grace was up to at this point, because I had found the deck ... and the view ... and my Nirvana!!  I couldn't think, I couldn't speak.  I was in awe of the majestic beauty that lay before me.  At that moment I wasn't lonely, I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry, I wasn't tired, I wasn't sarcastic, and I didn't have RSD.  I was one with the universe.  I wanted to hold onto that moment forever!!  <sigh> But life crept back into my consciousness in the form of Grunt-N-Stuff copping a squat right in my line of sight.  I giggled and then realized that I did, in fact, miss my Kiva.  She spent the weekend with my Porno Dealer (hats, people!!  It's not real porno, it's Jenn-Porno).  Of course I worry about her, but I worry less when I know that she's with him.

Being drawn back into reality, the pain crept back in too.  The roast and veggies were in the crockpot, the cake was in the oven, the car was unloaded, there was a fire roaring in the potbellied stove, and Fleetwood Mac was playing on the stereo.  We had forgotten to take innertubes up with us, but Grace had brought her sled/disk/thingy and the gang was headed to the nearest hillside.  I was still allowing my body to recover from the 3+ hour drive, so I opted to stay inside and be there for the cake.  It was going to need me ... to take it out of the oven and hover over it for a while.

When the parade returned, Grace was um ... covered in snow.  Not too surprising since they were going sledding, but somehow she had managed to sled herself off of the disk and rake her back down the only un-snowy patch of rocks on the hill ... and this was just the beginning of our 30 hour adventure.

Needless to say, my brilliance smacked me upside the back of the head again as we all sprawled out in the living room to watch an X-Men movie.  "I could finish my book here!!"  I am so distracted by life when I'm at the Chalet, that my writing has been sporadic at best.  But at the Lake House, there is no distraction!!  There is inspiration and motivation to write, but nothing to distract me!!  And if the book is any good, I can buy a damn lake house of my own!!

The mellowness of the moment had us all asleep before 10.  Actually, I don't think my ColoAngel saw 8 and I'm pretty sure that I didn't see 8:52.  It has been a looooong time since I've been that relaxed!!  I had hoped that the thinner, cooler air would have helped me to sleep better, but my normally interrupted intervals were definitely less frustrating knowing that I was surround by God's country.

The food was amazing, the company was hilarious, and the ambiance was perfect for 5 friends and a dog who desperately needed a getaway!!  And I can promise you that I will go back!!  Sooner, not later!!  I'm already devising a plan to try and rent the Lake House for a week ... like from a Wednesday to a Tuesday, to avoid driving among idiot tourists.  I will finish writing my book and this is the perfect place to do it!!  And this time the Keevster will accompany me.  If the gang wants to join me for the weekend part, that would make it even more perfect, but for now, this is my brilliant idea/plan and I have faith that I will make it happen!!

I have faith that I have found the Nirvana that I so desperately needed.  I have faith that I will finish my book and make some money off of it, and if it's not enough to buy my own Lake House, I'll just keep renting Neffy's!!  I can't remember the last time that something made me forget about my RSD.  I have to get that feeling back!!  And I have faith that I will!!!
         

Living 44 For Me!!

Remember when you were a kid and everyone in their 40's was old??  (I, for one, can attest to this!!  Growing up, my Grandma used to tell me that she was "39 and holding" ... every damn year! And she was a grandma, and gray, and wrinkly, and well ... old!!)  So ... in kid-terms, I am now the old one!!  And you know what??  I'm ok with that!!  I don't look my age, I don't act my age, and I don't see any of that changing anytime soon.  What I'm not ok with is that this is the year that I will have had RSD for half of my life.  Other than that, I say, "Bring it, 44!!"  I am way too excited to see what this year has in store for me that's non-RSD related!!

January 30th started out like every other birthday that I've had to date.  I woke up ... and that's always a great way to start to any day!!  I got the family phone calls, Houdini brought me my fave coffee, I was serenaded numerous times, the Munchkin's babysitter made me a Munchkin Hatty Birfday Video, I baked Hatty Birfday Bupcakes (newly named by the Warrior Mama and myself), I got cards in the mail, I got deliveries, Mom and Dad brought me dinner and presents (2 new lamps complete with new lampshades that I'm not allowed to wear on my head, and an iPad Mini of my very own!!), my Facebook friends blew up my wall with bday wishes, and I fought a flare ... successfully!!  All pain issues aside, it really was a great day!!

But ... My anniversary of birth is also the time when I reflect on what's worked for me in the previous year and what hasn't.  It's when I tweak and re-tweak my personal "rules."  It's when I make more than just resolutions.  It's when I make the decisions that protect my body, soul, and mind.  My New Year's Resolutions are the things that I am going to do.  My Birthday Rules are about who I keep in my life, and how I allow myself to be treated.  Being single and in my 40's is one thing.  Being a 40-something, single RSDer is something completely different.  

As Normies age, they feel it.  It takes longer to heal, joints creak and pop, there's usually some form of grunt or sigh while getting up from a sitting or lying down position, and everything seems to take just a little more effort than it used to.    

As us RSDers age, not only does it take us longer to heal, but the pains remain even after the healing is over.  Our grunts are replaced with cuss words under our breath as we rock back and forth to build up enough momentum to get up from any position.  When our joints creak and pop, pain radiates through our nerves and we are subjected to the possibilities of a flare.  And the effort that it takes to do even the simplest of household chores takes a long, self-pep-talk worthy of The Gipper.  

I am now 2 days into being 44 and my new "rules" have been implemented.  The people in my life who can possibly cause me bodily pain, have been weeded out.  The people who only come around (or want to make plans with me) on my good days have been kicked to the curb.  The men that only can talk about sexcapades during conversations have been mentally castrated.  But ... The people who make a conscious choice to keep me in their lives, during my bad days as well as my good, are the people with whom I choose to spend my time, spoons, and love.  Marilyn Monroe once said, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."  People must now win over my heart, my mind, and my soul if they want to be a part of my actions.  New rules!!  Gotta love 'em!!

I have faith that 44 is gonna be a blast!!  I have faith in the people that I have chosen to remain in my life.  I have faith that this is a new year in which new things are possible ... maybe even romance.  (Hey, it could happen!!  And if it doesn't, I still have batteries!!)  I have faith that my witty sense of humor, random intellect, and charming personalities will keep me moving forward in my 44th year.  I have faith that I will stick to my new rules and not be swayed from them.  And I have faith that if anyone does try to sway me from them, they will be met with a swift kick outta my life.  My new rule is to respect myself.  Join in with me or get the hell outta my way!!  Helllllllooooooooooo 44!!